Keeping My Energy Intact

I have something to admit. I hold grudges. I’ve been known to cut someone off with little to no consequence. Grudges are innocent to me. Grudges usually happen when a close friend or relative has done a series of things that I feel are egregious towards me. It’s never one or two instances. It could be several unrelated incidents and the last straw happens. Or it could be interconnected situations and the final one is the missing piece for me to realize the big picture. Then, when the grudge is initiated, I treat that person as if their life is inconsequential to me. I don’t hate them. It’s actually the opposite. I wish them all the best. I think I explained it best to a friend of mine: they are not dead to me; I just forget sometimes they are alive. What I mean by that is I wish them no ill will. I just forget about them until they come up in conversation or if they call. The problem is when they call, tension is in the air. I can’t hide it. I’m dry and short. I can’t move forward until there is a genuine apology. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can’t hide how I feel. My emotions toward a person radiates from my face and actions. If I don’t like you, I won’t look you in the eyes. This is because I feel the situation might get worse. That person might see the anger in my eyes. The utter disgust that I feel to be in their presence. This is how I handle grudges until there is a resolution.

Animosity is different. Animosity is when there was very negative energy around us. There is a dislike that might never get resolved. When I have animosity for a person, that energy never changes. We could have an issue and 5-10 years later, my energy will be the same. These people are usually neither family or friend. They are usually the people who might have harmed/disrespected family or friend. It’s not like I remember all the names of people I feel this way about (some of them I do) or I think about these people. I just know that if we were to cross paths again and they come to me with a different energy, I will have to correct them. “We left with this energy and it hasn’t changed. Now where do we go from here?” I would say. Bottom line: keep that same energy.

Do you have that same issue? Which one did you deal with more?