When Mortality Meets Clarity

The paragraph below this one is something I wrote on June 24, 2018. This was almost 7 months after something that still affects me to this day. November 25, 2017 will be etched in my mind forever. I can still remember getting that call from my good friend Courtney while I sat in South Carolina that morning during the Thanksgiving holiday. That was the day one of my closest friends passed away. He had medical issues for a while. Every time I was home I saw him, whether he was at his mother's house, grandmother's house or in the hospital in Jackson. I would call and check on him. If he was too weak or uncomfortable to talk, I would text him. That first year was very rough for me personally and professionally. Work was falling apart for me because the people I thought had my back, didn't. Then Rap died. I ended another friendship because his selfishness was shown in the aftermath of Rap's death. Two other people that I leaned on pushed me away because they needed to grow personally and I understand, but the pain was still felt. This led me to drinking more often. But this form of meditation had become different. Here's why.

Ever since your death, my drinking experience has changed. It seems when I’ve had too much to drink, my eyes well up and fill with what feels like a torrent of tears. I’ve always said my drinking brings me clarity. To calm the noise of life so I can hear my heart’s voice because my soul is probably restless. These subconscious thoughts create the yearning to drink. Because sober me would not attack these thoughts. But with the spirits guiding me like a vision quest, I can see what my brain has been trying to submerge the whole time. Since you left Earth, the tears flow more freely. I knew my limit before, but now the bar had to be adjusted again. Yeah I’m still dealing with the same pains before, but with your passing on top of that, it has taken a toll mentally. The problem is that as I stare at the last corner of the bottle of whiskey, I am still no closer to why your death has affected me so. I’ve seen Death before. The Reaper and I have went from mere acquaintances to associates that dap one another each time we meet. You were different my G. I’m starting to feeling it’s you controlling this emotion. Giving me a new bar before I fall into the abyss I cannot return from. If this is true, I thank you. If it is not, I will continue to crack that top, pour a little out for you and reach for my clarity sip after sip.